Questions About Relationship Happiness |
| Q. | My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and have never made love. He believes in no sex before marriage. How do I get him to perform foreplay? | |
| Ans. | You must convince him that foreplay, including kissing, hugging, and sensual touching such as massage is not intended to lead on to sexual intercourse or genital touching. This type of intimate contact is what we call sensual nutrition and it is very important in maintaining optimal health and wellbeing.
Most of us are in state of severe touch deprivation, at least partly because there is so much fear associated with sex. Many can’t seem to differentiate between sensual nutrition (a normal, healthy, desirable, even necessary form of touching), and sexual touching. | |
| | | Q. | My boyfriend, who is 35, has lived with me for the past two years. We have sex at least 3 times a week, sometimes more often. My concern is that I know that he masturbates while watching pornography at least 6 times a week, usually daily, almost every time he is at home alone and sometimes after I have gone to sleep. I am not against masturbation or pornography, which I enjoy from time to time, but I am feeling that he prefers them for his pleasure over anything I can offer him. He is a ultra considerate lover and has NEVER had an orgasm before me, no matter how long it takes. So, it seems that sex with me is mainly for me and sex for him is with his computer. I can't help but feel that he prefers computer sex to sex with me, and that somehow his pleasure with me will be less intense because he masturbates so often. I am not comfortable bringing it up because it may force him to lie or become defensive. I tell myself that if we are having satisfying sex as often as I want it, I shouldn't have the negative feelings about it; however, I know there are times when he has said he's tired or has to work on the computer when he senses that I might want sex after he has already taken care of his needs. What are your thoughts? | |
| Ans. | It sounds like your boyfriend has a goal orientation to sex (most people do). With that approach, sex is about getting to orgasm. If you both have one, you've done it right. If neither of you does, you've wasted your time. This approach can bring with it lots of pressure to perform. You've said your sweetie is a very considerate lover and always waits until you've had an orgasm before he goes on to have an ejaculatory orgasm. Some men work so hard at lasting that they become desensitized and disconnected. Your lover might be so focused on you and your pleasure and working very hard not to come too soon, that he's not getting as much enjoyment as he could. Then, with porn and masturbation there's no pressure, it's all about his own pleasure, he can relax and feel.
To get away from performance pressure, we suggest that lovers adopt a pleasure orientation to sex–at least during some of their lovemaking sessions. There's no goal, it's just about the pleasure of every moment of kissing, caressing, touching, intercourse, oral sex etc. During these pleasure-focused times you agree that you're simply going to thoroughly enjoy each other — if you have an orgasm, great, if not, great.
A wonderful way to start this is with a practice we call the Loving Body Discovery — it's from our book Soul Sex: Tantra for Two. I've included it here for you. Although the exercise is written from the perspective of exploring a woman first, my suggestion is that you discover his body first. | |
| | | Q. | I was wondering about tantra and pregnancy. I am 40 years old and pregnant. Yes, I know I must be insane. Anyway, we have a very good sex life but I am very vain about my appearance. I am very fortunate as I have been blessed with good genes and am aging well. Basically, what I'm saying is " I have a fat gut and I do not feel attractive or sexy at all." I don't think pregnant is beautiful. My husband is taking a new attitude. He doesn't want to have "nasty" sex anymore. Straight missionary. It's like he doesn't want the mother of his child to be the sexual person she was before. Any suggestions or places for advice? | |
| Ans. | Congratulations! Pregnancy is an amazing process and can be an extraordinarily happy and sensual time. I’ve had 4 myself and thoroughly enjoyed it, despite some of the physical discomfort –like morning sickness – that came with it.
Some comments:
About your appearance and your feelings about how you look. Endeavor to expand your definition of what is sexy. Rather than looking at your body with a critical eye, look instead at the curves and lines and shadows, feel the texture, the heat, the softness as a painter and sculptor would. Emulate fashionable European women who wear form fitting clothes during pregnancy and wrap wide bright scarves around their bellies to highlight them!
Enjoy this time—you are likely only to have it once, why waste it with thoughts of feeling unattractive. You can choose what to think about and how to think about what you are thinking about. It is not possible to prevent all negative thoughts from entering your mind, but you always have the choice of whether to attach your attention to them by thinking about them, or to let them go. Furthermore, if you choose to think about something, you can think about it in a positive rather than a negative way. When thoughts come in like “Oooh I’m fat” let them go with a big breath and replace them with “Oh my baby is growing so big and strong”. Your baby is completely tuned in to your emotions—they are energy running through your body, so It’s important to give that baby as much positive energy as possible.
Also at this time your body is manufacturing different hormones—they are what I call “nesting” hormones, slowing you down, turning you inside. They aren’t hormones that produce a lot of sexy feelings, so relax and pay attention to where you are now, not where you have been or where you will be later after the pregnancy.
As for sexual activity, if you are fairly fit and reasonably healthy, meaning there’s no danger for miscarriage, then regular sexual activity is very good for you and very good for your baby. Orgasms release lots of endorphins, makes you and baby happy. All kinds of sex is great—you can be wild as you want. You won’t hurt the baby or yourself. Of course as the baby gets bigger you will need to use positions that don’t place lots of weight on her, so then missionary is kind of hard and rear entry and woman on top are better.
Let your husband know that it is great for you to have really good sex and great for the baby too. One of the most important gifts you can give your child is to let her know that people can have a happy marriage that is passionate and sexy as well as companionable and stable. | |
| | | Q. | I really fancy my sister’s best mate but I am shy and don’t know how to tell her or ask her out. Could you give me any advice? | |
| Ans. | Find out from your sister what her friend is interested in. Get informed about those things (for example do some research with Google and Wikipedia), then the next time you are with her, start a conversation about one of the topics that matter to her. If the conversation goes well and she is responding to you with interest, then would be the time to suggest a date. Make the date you ask for doing something you already know from your sister is something her friend loves to do. | |
| | | Q. | My boyfriend has been stressed out since I met him. We have been together for almost six months and when we have sex he almost never cums. what can I do? Is there something wrong with me? | |
| Ans. | I would not assume there is anything wrong with you because your man cannot ejaculate, but I don’t have enough information to rule that out. If you are relatively knowledgeable and skilled sexually, then the problem is most likely with your partner rather than with you.
Performance Anxiety
When people desire to be good lovers, they may approach lovemaking as a goal. A goal requires a performance to achieve the goal. In lovemaking, the goal is typically to get to orgasm, and for many couples the goal is to get to orgasm at the same instant. Unfortunately, this orientation often results in various symptoms of sexual dysfunction for both lovers. Some of the problems associated with performance anxiety for men include erectile dysfunction (failure to get or maintain an erection), pre-mature ejaculation, or not being able to ejaculate when they want to or not being able to ejaculate at all. For women the main dysfunction is an inability to have orgasms.
With sacred sexuality, there is no goal, but there is a purpose, and that purpose is union—union of the lovers and union with the Divine.
Replacing the goal orientation we suggest the pleasure orientation. Being in the moment, breath by breath, kiss by kiss, touch by touch, with no need or urgency to get to the next step. Ironically, when you drop the goal of getting to orgasm and just focus on giving and receiving pleasure in the moment, you will both have more orgasms! | |
| | | Q. | I'm a 27-year-old male virgin and I've been thinking lately that maybe it's time for me to try to get laid. For most of my life, I didn't really care - I figured that if I kept looking for quality women, eventually I would find one. But now, I feel like I'm missing out on love and sex. I've never had a girlfriend, and never gone out on a date with a girl. I've used almost all of the big dating websites, and also have been meeting women at bars and clubs 2 or 3 nights a week. I've tried to attract every single woman in my social circle. Women don't seem to be attracted to me. Should I just get on with my life and stop searching? Is it that big of a deal if I die a virgin? | |
| Ans. | You will be missing out on one of the best parts of being in a body if you remain a virgin your entire life. So go for it. Here are a few ideas on how to proceed.
- Watch the movie “The 40 Year Old Virgin!”
http://www.amazon.com/40-Year-Old-Virgin-Unrated-Widescreen/dp/B00005JNZU/4freedomsconsult
- Try pheromones.http://www.tantra-sex.com/ep6.html#lure
- Check out a personals site and start up a conversation with members you find attractive. Once you have found someone who is also attracted to you, arrange an in person meeting and go from there.
- Check out some of the sites with training on how to attract and seduce a woman. Do a search on Google for the following phrases: “attracting women,” “seducing women,” etc.
- Take workshops on Tantra.
http://www.tantra-sex.com/tantra.html
- Engage the services of a classy prostitute (preferably Tantric) and have her teach you what you need to know. Do a search on Google for “Tantric Massage” to find one.
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| | | Q. | Hi, I need some help understanding Tantra. This is not at all a sexual related question, and therefore, if you can't help me, I am hoping that you can steer me in the right direction to find the answer. My question is based more emotionally on the history of Tantra, rather than the sexual side of it. I am not Tantric, but I am very involved with a Tantric man. He lives and breathes Tantra. I am absolutely comfortable with that and have tried to learn as much as I can. Frankly, I would like to convert to Tantra in the near future. The current situation is this: He was married in the past, she betrayed their marital bond with another man, he can't find forgiveness for her in that. He says he is not angry at her, and sees part of the responsibility as his own shortcoming in that he apparently didn't provide something she needed. Although I have tremendous respect for her in that she is the mother of his children, and I know that they did have a good life together aside from that indiscretion, I am trying to find out why he cannot forgive her for that? His explanation is that his soul would burn in Hell for forgiving her for that. I don't understand that and cannot find anything to substantiate that. He and I have a very strong bond but he is troubled with much personal conflict in his life. I can't help feeling that if he could forgive himself somehow, that perhaps he could find the other things he is searching for. I want to help him any way that I can to do that. Perhaps I am wrong? Perhaps forgiveness is not the answer? Perhaps you could guide me or assist me in learning more the ways of Tantra so that I can help him? | |
| Ans. | We don't treat Tantra as a religion, but most definitely a spiritual practice. There is no need to convert to Tantra. We have people from almost every religious denomination attend our Tantra weekend retreats. There is nothing in Tantra that should conflict with whatever your religion is now.
Forgiveness is as much for the one doing the forgiving as it is for the one being forgiven. In the situation that you have described this is most strongly the case. When we hold onto the hurts and betrayals that we have experienced in the past, by harboring anger, resentment, vengeance, etc., we are hurting ourselves, and unfortunately, our closest loved ones. By holding onto the past incident(s) we continually relive it and each time re-open the old wound and re-inflict the old pain over again and again. This is a strange kind of self-punishment. Only forgiveness can stop this from continuing, including forgiveness of his former wife as well as forgiveness of himself for whatever was his contribution to the problems they had in their relationship.
Forgiveness most surely would heal the problem. By the way, forgiveness does not mean you don't remember the past, but it does mean that you are finished with it (emotionally, energetically and spiritually). In other words the past would no longer have any influence on your present. In terms of affecting you now it is as if the incident never happened, even though you could remember it if you wanted to. | |
| | | Q. | My boyfriend doesn’t like exploring my wet vagina. He gets uncomfortable touching it sometimes when its wet. This really disheartens me because I want to experience oral sex. I don’t know what to do. | |
| Ans. | My suggestion is that you have a frank talk with him. Ask him what he feels and why. Although this might be hard for you to do it's better than just forgetting about it and hoping he'll change his mind. It's best to address issues like this right away, it just gets harder the longer you wait.
Maybe he doesn't know his way around your special hot spots. Perhaps he's heard some incorrect information about women's genitals and their secretions. The sophisticated lovers of ancient India and China regarded all fluids produced during lovemaking as powerful and full of great life force, so do many knowledgeable modern lovers. Here's a terrific website with lots of straightforward info about sex, including male and female anatomy. http://www.scarleteen.com
You can explore it together and then have fun exploring each other! | |
| | | Q. | Recently, I fantasize about seeing my wife with another man. Day by day my fantasy increases and now I want to see it in reality. When I tried to talk to my wife about my fantasy she branded me as a pervert and it really hurt me, but I couldn’t erase the thought of seeing her with another man from mind and it really drives me crazy. I need your help! | |
| Ans. | Fantasy generally is a normal and healthy part of a mature adult sexuality. Your fantasy is a common one and there certainly is nothing wrong with it per se, but unfortunately your partner does not share it. If you persist in dwelling on this fantasy, particularly if you insist on drawing your wife into it for real, you may alienate her in a way that could have consequences you do not want. My advice is to stop pestering her with your fantasy and it would probably be best to stop indulging yourself in it even privately, otherwise you are in danger of damaging your relationship in a way not easy to repair.
Both partners must look inside to determine if they are coming from a place that is clear, mature, healthy, with love and respect for yourself and each other. It is possible that some fantasizing is unhealthy, but it is also possible that strong emotional negative reactions to fantasy simply reveal unwanted conditioned responses or erroneous beliefs and assumptions that are no longer valid (if they ever were).
Here are our personal guidelines for sexual fantasizing. These are not intended to be rules for anyone else, just guidelines that have worked well for us.
1. No one gets hurt.
2. No means no.
3. Stop means stop.
4. Say yes to participating in your partner’s fantasies if possible.
5. If you can’t participate in your partner’s fantasies, let them know if they have your blessing to continue to indulge in the fantasy privately in their imagination, but without mentioning it to you, or if you would prefer they stop having those fantasies completely. Understand that you cannot stop someone from doing something they really want to do, so you would simply be stating your preference, not making an absolute demand.
6. If you find yourself having a strong negative emotional reaction to a fantasy your partner has shared with you, let them know what you are thinking and feeling, but try to avoid making harsh moral judgments about your partner. You can make a request that your partner stops imagining a particular fantasy, but you do not have authority to demand that they do so. And certainly you would be exceeding your authority if you tried to insist that a partner not use fantasy at all.
7. If you have a strong emotional negative reaction to a fantasy your partner shares with you, first look inside yourself and see if there is opportunity here to expand your options by going beyond previous limits. Going beyond previous limits often means you must go outside your existing emotional comfort zone.
8. Generally, don’t privately indulge in fantasies that are threatening to your partner, or threatening to your relationship. Doing so means that those fantasies are more important than the relationship, and if that is the case, understand that there are likely to be consequences for the relationship if you continue to indulge in those fantasies. | |
| | | Q. | Me and my boyfriend went over to my friend's place to hang out. We got drunk and stayed there for the night. We slept together in one room. My boyfriend was at the other bed. I was supposed to sleep beside him but instead slept with my friend. I don't know what I was thinking but I began groping her. She never reacted and never said anything about what happened. She just kept silent and never spoke to me again. My boyfriend knows about it and he never got mad. He knows that sometimes I also like other girls. I mean, I sometimes do cam-whoring for him to look for sexy, yummy and hot girls. I am really confused right now. Why is this happening to me? I love my boyfriend and I have the desire with the same sex. | |
| Ans. | Almost everyone has a certain amount of bi-sexuality within their nature–some more so than others. This attraction for same sex can appear at different times in their lives. Although you may be feeling confused, there's nothing "wrong" with you. Take a long look at what you feel and think. Love yourself for who you are. Then decide on how you want to act on your feelings. Do you want to experiment sexually with women? Do you want to be in a monogamous relationship with your boyfriend? How would he feel about you being sexually involved with a woman? The important thing is that you be true to yourself and honest with others.
If possible talk to your former friend. Explain to her that you are learning about your sexuality — that you didn't mean her any disrespect or pain.
And, if you're concerned about your actions when you've been drinking too much — don't drink too much! | |
| | | Q. | My wife fantasies about having sex with another woman. When she watches a movie or talks about this she gets horny. She loves to do this when we are having sex and tells me how it would all play out. Later she says that she probably would mot do it, but also comments that she does not want to die stupid and maybe someday would like to try it. I know that she would have to pick out the other woman. How would I go about this and let her believe that this is what she wants to do. | |
| Ans. | It is a common fantasy to have sex with same sex partners, and of course homosexuality and bisexuality are normal human sexuality preferences, even if treated harshly by some segments of our communities.
We treat our relationship as a separate entity. There is Pala, Al and the relationship between Pala and Al. What this means in practical terms is that each of us refers decisions back to a consideration: “How would this action or decision affect our relationship?” Since we have made a conscious decision that our relationship is the most important thing in our lives, we simply do not do things which will threaten the relationship.
I suggest you use this decision making aid in your relationship. If the actions you are describing will strengthen your relationship, your love, and your commitment, then go for it; if such actions and decisions would threaten each other, or weaken the relationship, then you avoid such practices.
As for manipulating your wife into thinking or believing something was her own, but is really just a trick on your part to get what you want, I would never recommend doing that and have no suggestions to offer. Instead I suggest that you simply let her know that you approve of her fantasy and would like to see her actually do it and that you would be willing to assist in any way she would like you to. This would be honest, sincere and real on your part and not manipulation. | |
| | | Q. | How do you stop the cycle of lousy sexual experiences that include pump stopping comments like "What are you doing?..Are you almost finished?…I'm not comfortable doing that" | |
| Ans. | Here is a simple sexual learning technique that can help get away from the scenario you describe.
A or B Game
Try two different versions of touch, intercourse, music, etc. Refer to one as A and one as B. Ask which (s)he likes best. This avoids the hurt when someone tells you they do not like something. Repeat as often as wanted to learn each other’s arousal and orgasmic responses. You can use this technique during any lovemaking, but we suggest you set aside times when your intention is not to progress in your lovemaking to orgasm, but rather your intention is only to learn about each other. This removes any performance anxiety and can really be lots of fun if you keep it very light and playful. Repeat this as a learning exercise at least three of four times per year, or more if you discover that you both really like it. | |
| | | Q. | I am talking to this girl I dated once and things seem Ok | |
| Ans. | Many people are confused about their sexuality. They are not sure if what they feel and desire is ok or not ok, so they are ambivalent, which means undecided about what is ok and not ok to do. All around them they see messages in the media showing sex everywhere, but most religions claim it is bad, dirty and sinful. So people are confused and conflicted about it. Your girlfriend sounds like such a person. Perhaps one minute she is interested, but the next minute she feels guilty about that. So she sends mixed signals to you, one minute it is yes, the next minute it is no.
Have a conversation about sex with her. Discuss what she feels and believes, as well as what you feel and believe. Try to figure out if what you both feel and believe is because someone (priest, teacher, parent, etc.) told you that is what you were supposed to do, or if you really feel and believe it for yourself. Then notice where your feelings and beliefs are different.
Getting this kind of clarity will be a first step in sorting out the confusion so you can go forward with a mature, healthy, adult sexuality.
Then read some good sex education books together and explore some of the things mentioned in those books. Go on a learning discovery together. You might also consider taking some workshops together on the topic. Our books and our workshops would be good places to start.
Here are links to our 4 published books.
Soul Sex: Tantra for Two
http://www.amazon.com/Soul-Sex-Tantra-Pala-Copeland/dp/1564146642/4freedomsconsult
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Supercharged Sex with the Kama Sutra
http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Idiots-Guide-Supercharged-Illustrated/dp/1592575749/4freedomsconsult
Sensual Love Secrets for Couples: The Four Freedoms of Body, Mind, Heart and Soul
http://www.amazon.com/Sensual-Love-Secrets-Couples-Freedoms/dp/0738709654/4freedomsconsult
28 Days to Ecstasy for Couples: Tantra Step by Step
http://www.amazon.com/28-Days-Ecstasy-Couples-Tantra/dp/0738709999/4freedomsconsult
4 Freedoms Relationship Tantra
http://www.tantra-sex.com/
At this website there are lots of sex-positive resources to help you learn about mature sexuality.
Al Link and Pala Copeland Workshops
http://www.tantra-sex.com/tantra.html
Al Link and Pala Copeland eBooks
http://www.tantra-sex.com/ebooks.html | |
| | | Q. | I am in a committed, awesome relationship with a great lady. We have been together almost two years. She is open and honest, to a fault. She has told me about several of her past relationships, in intimate detail. To include exploits, places, acts, and even penis or scrotum size. As our relationship travels through time, she has told me more and more, which at times contradicts earlier comments she has made, ie, her count for dating married men has grown to four from the first stated one. Recently she showed me over a hundred pictures of her performing sex acts with men, in her previous relationships. I am having some troubles coming to grips with all this and the fact she continues to push for details about my past expoits, which I am uncomfortable sharing. I guess I don't want her to feel the doubt I am beginning to feel about this relationship and the direction it could take. I do realize that neither of us were without previous partners in our lives before we met, however, I do not need to know all the details to compare myself to. | |
| Ans. | Speak up and communicate to her what you like and don’t like, want and don’t want. Now is the time to do it and see what happens. The deeper you get into the relationship, and the longer it lasts, the more painful and difficult it can be to deal with such issues, if it turns out you cannot reconcile your differences. If you can reconcile your differences on this, then the sooner you can get on with building the relationship. She is not likely to change her preferred sexual behaviors just because you don’t like them. So decide what you can accept and where you draw the line and communicate that to her clearly as soon as possible. Any delay is hazardous to your happiness. | |
| | | Q. | Being a big fan of Joseph Campbell's, I found a post by you in the message forums of the JCF website, the one that was an excerpt from a book you've written, which talks about how movies should portray heroes that are warrior/lovers instead of warrior/destroyers and who are capable of forming healthy, committed relationships in which their sexuality is also expressed powerfully. Either way, you already know what that says, but here's the reason I'm emailing you, I've a question for you… From that post, it seemed to me that you were talking about monogamous relationships and finding a life-long partner to share an incredibly rewarding sexual life with. I may be wrong about this, but just what are your thoughts on polygamy? Personally, I am more traditional and have always embraced a monogamous ideal. Recently, however, I was in a relationship that ended because my boyfriend kept talking about wanting an 'open relationship' and not being restrained from expressing love for other individuals. He felt that being with one single person for your whole life was both constraining and unnatural on human beings, particularly those with a great need to bring love into the world. My first reaction was 'Bullshit!, you just want to sleep with as many girls as you want and you're feeding me this spiritual crap to brainwashing me into being ok with your inability to commit' However, it's been over 6 months since we broke up and I can't help but wonder if there might be some truth to that. I keep questioning myself about the rationality behind monogamy. I love the idea of finding a soulmate you can spend your life with and grow old with, but is that driven by a selfish desire to have a partner's full attention and devotion, or is it really the only way to build a strong fulfilling relationship?? I'm only 23 and have never been married or in a long term relationship… meaning something that lasts more than a year, so I don't know. Is it natural to stay with one person forever? I want to believe it is, but meeting this guy has got me confused because he was very deep and very intelligent. He's made me question my own values as far as relationships go. Perhaps because I was madly in love with him, perhaps because I've always been the kind to question things I have been told are right. What are your thoughts on monogamy vs polygamy? I'd love to hear the opinion of someone like you. | |
| Ans. | Polygamy is having more than one spouse, i.e., being married to more than one spouse at the same time. Polyamory means having multiple sexual partners, and presumably all partners know about the others, and all are in agreement that such an arrangement is acceptable. In other words there is no infidelity involved, which implies secrecy and deception. We do not make any moral judgment about such arrangements, but there are serious issues raised by either practice.
Our personal preference is monogamy, one sexual partner only. Monogamy allows for close friendships with others, but in monogamous relationships fidelity is part of the agreement, meaning sex is limited to just your partner.
Here are some issues to consider when deciding for yourself what type of relationship you desire.
- Safe sex is much more difficult with multiple partners. When you have sexual intercourse with a partner, you are at risk from every other sexual partner they have ever had sex with. This is a big risk and should be taken seriously.
- Typically the desire to have sex with many partners is driven by hormones, particularly testosterone (both men and women). In other words you are motivated by lust, not love. Of course there may be love, but there will almost always be lust as the primary motivation. Nothing wrong with lust per se, just beware of what is really going on. It is easy to deceive yourself and others about this, claiming lust is really love, when it is something quite different.
- With multiple sexual partners, there is inevitably comparison between them. Most people have extremely fragile egos, anyway, and once sex gets into the picture the level of insecurity can rise dramatically, creating a state of extreme vulnerability. Few have the detachment necessary to deal with such vulnerability in a way that will work in the long term, though that is not impossible, just unlikely. Almost inevitably someone gets hurt—badly enough to tear their life apart. Maybe that person will not be you, but what about the others involved—you must decide if that matters to you or not.
- Undoubtedly, the best sex is sex with emotional connection, trust and hopefully genuine love between the partners. There can be good physical sex without these things and if that is all you are looking for, no problem. If you want the deeper connection, it is extremely difficult to successfully create, nurture and sustain such love with even one person, let alone many.
- We all have the same 24 hours in a day. Furthermore, we all have a limited physical energy during that 24 hours, though some have more energy than others. Time spent with one person must preclude time spent with all others (unless you are talking about group sex). Also, most men are ejaculation challenged, meaning that they ejaculate quickly, and after an ejaculation most men lose their erection and their libido drops to zero. Women are far superior to men in sexual stamina, so it is unlikely that most men would be able to keep up with more than one female lover. Of course, anything is possible, it is just relatively rare to find such a male. Even the strongest male can only service so many females during any period of hours, unless he has completely mastered the ejaculation response, and some males can do this.
- The richness and fulfillment resulting from completely committing yourself to just one other human being is unimaginably wonderful. Using your monogamous relationship as a spiritual practice is one of the best options for spiritual paths, leading both partners ultimately as high as Enlightenment for Two. Learning to create love that lasts a lifetime is of the highest order of achievement, certainly ranking with supreme accomplishment academically, artistically or in sports. It is also difficult to do, witness the high rates of marriage breakups.
In the end, we must each make our own choice on this, but certainly there is room for experimentation. | |
| | | Q. | I am divorced and have been now for 2 years after 17 years of marriage. My Ex and I are doing great apart. Anyway I started dating a beautiful, rich and very sexy women, a friends from HS. We had a blast together and always were trying to spend more and more time together. I told her "I am falling in love with you" and I saw her one more time after that and haven’t seen her now for over 7 months. We have emailed and texted a little. I was so hurt from my divorce and fought so hard to save my marriage that when my girlfriend left I just let her go. I have to ask can I love her still or is this just a broken heart that won’t go away. I have told her that I still think about her and I get nothing back so I just move on trying to forget her. Is this love? What would you do? Tell her or go on? | |
| Ans. | When it comes to love, sex, commitment, relationship intimacy, marriage, etc. many are afraid. Virtually all adults have experienced a broken heart when a previous relationship has ended. When relationships end they often do so with intense hurt, disappointment, disillusionment, and feelings of being abandoned, deceived, abused, humiliated, etc. Not all relationships end this way, but it seems to be very common. In fact it is an exception that two people can move on to new relationships and still maintain an enduring friendship with the previous partner.
That being said, it is understandable that someone might be in an intermediate stage where they are not ready, really ready, for a new relationship. They may be feeling lonely and want some companionship, even sexual contact with a partner, but the idea of getting seriously committed again simply is not something they are ready to consider.
And people can be very confused about all this, for example if they get involved in what they assume is a casual relationship, but then the feelings become more intense for one or both of the partners, but they become afraid, insecure, unsure and confused about what they want and what they are truly ready for.
Allow for the possibility that one or both of you may be in this intermediate state, between relationships, and not quite ready to enter a new one.
If one of you wants to go further and deeper and faster, but the other one is not ready, it would be a mistake for the one that is ready to put any kind of pressure on the one who is not. What the one who is ready can do, is be vulnerably honest about their readiness, intentions, and feelings, but preferably not in a whiny, clinging, demanding, pushy, insecure sort of way.
Then allow time for the other partner to become ready. Allow time does not mean have no contact, but in the contact the emphasis is on having fun, getting to really know each other, sharing feelings as honestly as possible, but allowing the relationship to develop organically, rather than one constantly pushing and nagging the other to go further or faster than they are ready for.
It may also be, that eventually, one of you will simply have to move on to a new partner if the other one is not ready to advance in the intimacy level of the relationship.
One other point, it would also be a mistake for the one who wants to move faster and go deeper, to move on prematurely out of frustration, or out of trying to protect themselves from being hurt again. It is necessary to risk being hurt again if you are ever to find a fully satisfying relationship. | |
| | | Q. | I have been dating this guy for a few weeks and I have had sex with two guys and he is a virgin. He is pretty religious. I don’t really know where he stands about sex before marriage and I’m too embarrassed to ask. And I feel awkward trying to make advances towards him. I want to have sex with him but I don’t know what to do about this whole situation, please help. | |
| Ans. | My belief is that being open and honest about what is really going on will be the only way to enter into a relationship with any chance of surviving in the long term. If you don’t care about that then it doesn’t really matter if you communicate your needs and desires and true feelings. If it turns him off and he leaves, by your own admission that does not matter.
On the other hand, if you do care about a longer term relationship then telling him what you need and desire (and sharing some of your past behaviours) will set the stage to find out if you are compatible. If you use deceit to keep him around longer, eventually your dark secrets will be revealed and then he is likely to leave because the relationship was built upon a foundation of shifting sand and cannot sustain commitment and honesty and will not provide support for the ongoing emotional, psychological and spiritual growth that will become increasingly important as you advance in age and maturity.
Tell all and if that scares him away, better to find out now rather than later, unless you have years to waste playing games. | |
| | | Q. | I am 25 he is 18. He has a girlfriend but we are sexually active (Oh and I make sure he wears protection and so do I). Is he trying to find attention in the wrong place or does he just want to be with someone older. I think he really likes me and I am sort of interested in him. But our age is so different and like stated before he is in a relationship. What does this mean? Do you think he is trying got get out of the relationship or just testing the water. | |
| Ans. | I don’t wish to burst your bubble, but a bit of reality may be called for. A man age 18 is at the peak of raging hormones. The testosterone in his body drives him to seek sexual partners. This is not all there is to a man at the age of 18, but it is rare for a teenage man to think intelligently about anything other than what his cock tells him to do.
If he has a girlfriend that is public, and you are an affair that is private, it is highly unlikely that you now or ever will mean anything more to him other than a warm bed and wet vagina. But it is certainly possible that you mean more than that to him; only you can know. Just beware of deluding yourself, making his attention mean something that it is not, just because you so badly want it to mean more than it really does.
On the other hand, if he really cares for you beyond sex, then you have the right to ask for a different kind of attention and a different level of commitment. The easiest way to find out is to ask for what you want straight up. But be prepared to never see him again. Otherwise, enjoy his company, his attention, his sex, and all the pleasure that goes with that for a short time, and when you are ready let it go and move on to building a truly significant relationship with someone, where both of you are willing to do the work of creating and sustaining relationship that can bring lasting happiness and fulfillment, based upon real love, not just great sex. | |
| | | Q. | Would I have any right to expect that entering into a long term relationship, e.g., marriage, that would make me happy? | |
| Ans. | You can’t properly, or lawfully (spiritually speaking), hold marriage or other forms of committed long-term spousal relationship responsible for your happiness. In other words, marriage and commitment will not make you happy or keep you happy.
People who are happy within themselves - - they like themselves, they are reasonably at peace with the quality of their life, generally are willing and able to do the kind of inner work and manage their outer behaviors in a way that their relationships also work (unless their partner is quite immature in this respect, in other words both have to do this not just one).
People who look to their partner (or their relationship with their partner) to make them happy, or to make them complete, or to make their life work, generally fail in relationships, because that is not how relationships really work. In fact relationships don’t work, people who are mature in relationship skills, make the relationship successful because they work hard to make it successful. The relationship doesn’t do it for them, they do it for the relationship and for themselves.
If happiness is made to be conditional upon the circumstances of a life, that happiness is ephemeral (short lived) indeed, as circumstances change constantly and we have little or no control over most of those circumstances. On the other hand, happiness that is cultivated within oneself as a state of consciousness and being endures in spite of any circumstances we become involved with. This kind of happiness (a deep spiritual happiness) is not an outcome of circumstances, but rather is independent of them.
In short, unhappy people are likely to have unhappy marriages, while happy people are likely to have happy marriages. That being said, there is of course the need for partners in relationship to learn the skills necessary to make relationship work. Few seem willing to undertake such learning, preferring to blame their partners when things go wrong, and they simply move on to “greener pastures.” Of course this strategy does not work because wherever you go, there you are, and there you are with all the same problems and hang-ups you had in the previous relationship.
Good relationships are not the answer to your problems, they are rather the natural outcome when two people have both done the inner work of becoming fit for relationship. In other words, they have undertaking a learning journey to learn how to create love for a lifetime together. Any fool can and does fall in love, but only a few bother to learn how to create love, how to be mature in relationship, based upon love, kindness, compassion, generosity, sacred sexuality and spiritual practice. | |
| | | Q. | I need help. I am married and two years ago ran into one of my ex-girlfriends who is also married. I started talking to her, then she gave me her email address, at first I complimented her and pretty much told her I still had feelings for her. We met one night at a ball game and talked for a hour or so. After a month or so she made the statement to stop saying nice things about her that her husband may read her email and get the wrong idea. I thought I had overstepped my bounds. The other day she emailed me and wanted to meet me in town, we did, we talked for hours, she took me and met her daughter and grandbaby, when we went to leave she hugged me and held on for a while. I told her how I felt about her, she has not yet told me how she feels. Although she gave me her phone number, called me for 3 days after our meeting, and invites me over to her house regular to meet her husband, she says that me and him have a lot in common. I am confused and she tiptoes around every question I ask about how she feels. What should I do? Is she interested? | |
| Ans. | Get clear within yourself about what you really want. Consider all the people involved in this situation including your wife and children (if you have any), your ex-girlfriend's husband and her children. All of these people are going to be affected by the actions you take. When people have an affair and get caught, their spouse will almost always say, "What hurts me the most is all the lying and deception, the humiliation of it all." Do you really want to do that to her, because inevitably the affair will come to light, your wife will almost certainly find out about it.
Let your wife know you are thinking about an affair, before you actually have the affair. Discuss with her what this means about your marriage. Include her in your decision. Have your ex-girlfriend do the same with her husband.
Hint: you might want to do something else first even before you each talk to your spouses. Ask your ex-girlfriend straight out, what her intentions are and insist on an answer. If she won't answer clearly, stay clear. This could make it unnecessary for you to have the conversation with your wife.
Whichever way you proceed, the most important thing is for you to get clear about your marriage. | |
| | | Q. | I think my boyfriend maybe bi-sexual. What signs should I look for? | |
| Ans. | Bi-sexuality simply means the person has sexual relations with both genders, males and females. There is nothing in a man's appearance that necessarily indicates sexual preference.
There may or may not be behaviors and mannerisms commonly associated with being gay (a preference by males to have male sexual partners), such as the sound of his voice, his hand gestures, the way he carries and moves his body. Some of these characteristics may appear somewhat more feminine than masculine, but this is more typical of gay men, and may not be present with bi-sexual men at all.
The best thing to do is have a conversation with him and ask. | |
| | | Q. | I have a hard time looking my husband in the eyes while we have sex. How do I change this? I am extremely comfortable with him and sex so this is a weird thing for me. Any advice? | |
| Ans. | It is quite common for people to have trouble looking into each others eyes. Eyes are the windows to the soul and holding eye contact is a high form of intimacy. To overcome your shyness try this simple exercise.
In a non-sexual setting, sit facing each other comfortably with eyes open. One person sends love and the other receives, for one minute. Do not talk during the exercise. Later reverse the sending and receiving. Then add it to your lovemaking by keeping your eyes open during sex. | |
| | | Q. | We are 60 and 59 and we are 1st cousins and are both sexually frustrated. We are both single and have no wants to be married. I would very much like to have her as a sex buddy and I think she feels the same (get together 3 or 4 times a year), however old word thinking somewhat prevails. We do not live close but talk often and the conversation always turns to sex. We have teased each other to the point of masturbation. While this has been fun I want to go to the next level. While it does not seem like it we are both a little timid. So my question is should I push this to the next step? | |
| Ans. | This is one of those grey areas where a personal moral judgment is to be made. I don't believe it is obvious that sex between cousins should not be ok, especially in the circumstances that you describe. If having children together were an option, that would change the equation, but I am assuming that both of you are beyond the normal age for having children, not biologically, but in terms of lifestyle. So my comments are made under the assumption that having children together is not an option. That being established, I can see no convincing arguments why you could not mutually agree to go to the next level, presumably that being to engage in active lovemaking including sexual intercourse. At this point in your lives, there is certainly no need to get anyone else's permission. Go for it. | |
| | | Q. | My girlfriend gave birth to our daughter 20 months ago and after about 3 months we started having sex about 1 a week, then about 2 months ago she said she didn't want sex anymore and haven't really wanted it since our daughter was born. Is it normal to go off sex, and why? What are the main causes at such a long time after birth? My partner does enjoy sleep and is slightly overweight; is this a problem? I really hope you can help as I feel pushed out and it is making me paranoid. | |
| Ans. | There can be a number of reasons why your girlfriend is not interested in sex right now. Here are a few:
1. Physical/Hormonal: her hormones may be out of whack after pregnancy. She may be producing more prolactin and oxytocin (which are affectionate and bonding, but not sexual) and very little testosterone (which is the sex driver). This is quite common, but usually returns to pre-pregnancy levels within a year. I'd suggest she have this tested — ask her doctor. You might also try some natural libido enhancers. See our aphrodisiacs for women page for some suggestions.
http://www.tantra-sex.com/aphrodisiac2a.html
2. Physical/Tired: Is she getting enough sleep? Lots of women don't get enough rest when looking after a new baby. Are there ways you can help to make sure she gets the sleep she needs. Is she getting any exercise? Exercise boosts testosterone.
3. Emotional: Sometimes women who become mothers become very tied to their babies and see themselves in a "mother" role. Issues of the morality about being a very sexual being while being a mother can come up. Try reassuring her about her sexiness, that it's a wonderful thing you enjoy, not demand. Let her know you'll do whatever you can to help her be the best she can as a mother and a lover. Make your loving advances very affectionate. Take time and care when approaching her for sex. You might consider our ebook Awakening Women's Orgasm for suggestions.
http://www.tantra-sex.com/womenorgasm.html
Anyway, rest assured you're not alone (although it may feel this way) and that with time, patience and understanding your partner in childrearing can again become your partner in joyous sex. | |
| | | Q. | Is there an acceptable on unacceptable age difference between men and women when it comes to dating? I'm 19 and am becoming very much attracted and interested in a 28 year old man. | |
| Ans. | Age difference is only an issue if you make it one. What really matters is that you love each other. Other important things are relationship, communication, and sexual knowledge and skill.
Of course there can be particular circumstances that are extreme, e.g., when one of the partners is a minor (under the legal age for sexual consent). Age in that situation matters a great deal. If the age spread were very large, e.g., 2 or 3 decades (20-30 years) this would bring in some special circumstances where issues that would not otherwise be relevant need to be addressed. For example, the older partner might not want to have children and the younger partner might want to have children. But normally age differences between the partners would be one of the least important issues. | |
| | | Q. | Does Gurkeerat or Puneet or Gary like me? | |
| Ans. | You can use muscle testing or pendulums to determine the truth or falsity of any statement.
A pendulum is a weighted object on the end of a string. You can easily make your own. Hold the pendulum so it dangles freely from the string. Ask what is true and the pendulum will typically move in a clockwise or counter clockwise direction. Then ask “what is false?” and the pendulum will move in the opposite direction compared with true. For example, most typically, but not always, for true the pendulum will move in circles in a clockwise direction and in a counter clockwise direction for false. Once you have determined true and false, then you ask your questions, but in form where you can get a true/false, or yes/no answer. For example, “Gurkeerat likes me.” Observe which direction the pendulum moves for the answer. Repeat for the other names.
With muscle testing you get someone to help you. The procedure is that you hold one of your arms straight out from the side of your body (not front or back), so that your arm is parallel to the floor (not down toward the floor, and not up toward the ceiling). Then, have your helper try to push your arm down to test the truth or falsity of any statement. For example, you say, "Gary likes me." If it is easy for your helper to push your arm down (your arm goes weak), Gary does not like you. If your arm remains strong (it is hard for your helper to push it down), Gary likes you. | |
| | | Q. | My wife's sister is always stating how her kids love me and want to be around me. She also takes up for me when ever anyone puts me down or my wife and i have an argument. Do you think that my sister in law has a interest in me? I get mixed reactions from my sister in law. She also states that she wishes her husband was like me. The other night she walked past me and touched my elbow. Please help with an answer. | |
| Ans. | I could never advise someone to pursue a romantic and/or sexual relationship with his wife’s sister. Acting on this impulse and desire you have can only lead to a world of grief for everyone involved. If you are unhappy in your marriage, get help to fix it, or get out. Only then pursue other options with other women, possibly including your wife’s sister, if she is available at that time.
The only way to navigate safely through the treacherous waters you find yourself in, is to sort out friendship from both romance and sex. The skill needed is to be able to sublimate any sexual energy aroused by your interaction with your wife’s sister, so that energy is moved up away from the genitals to the heart chakra, where it can be safely experienced as affection, friendship and non-sexual love rather than experienced as sexual desire.
Doing basic squeezing of the genital muscles (as if you were stopping the flow of urine mid-stream), while visualizing the energy moving up the spinal column to the crown of the head, then flowing down the front of your body to the heart (the center point between the nipples), can help accomplish this sublimation of sexual energy and its transformation into unconditional non-sexual love. | |
| | | Q. | My boyfriend of 2 years asked me to marry him. And I said yes, but I feel like i made a mistake. He's 21, with a child on the way (with his ex-girlfriend) and I’m 18 with a younger brother who I’m raising. My mother died of cancer 2 years ago, and my father I never knew because my mother was raped *conceived me* and my brother’s father left my mother when she told him she was pregnant. I really feel like it would be too much of a burden if we got married right now. | |
| Ans. | Marriage is a very significant change in any person’s life, carrying with it important responsibilities. You are mature for your years considering the duties associated with raising a younger brother that you have taken on. At 18 years you are barely into the age that anyone would describe as young adult yourself.
Saying yes to getting married does not mean that you have to actually go through the legal process anytime soon. Saying yes simply means you are now engaged.
I definitely advise putting off the actual date of the marriage until later. How much later?
Wait until the new baby is born, and see what the child care arrangements will be, e.g., will the child stay with the mother or with the father, or joint custody? If the father has full or joint custody, you can get a feel for how it would work out, and how much of a role you will be willing and able to play in the life of the new baby.
You can discover how you are with the new baby, how much you want to be responsible for the child’s care, how much the father actually contributes to taking on that responsibility, sharing of child care and other homemaking tasks.
You can also get a feel for how all of this will affect your brother. Understand that the effect of brining two new people into his life will be a major adjustment for him as well as yourself. | |
| | | Q. | I’ve recently ordered your book Soul Sex: Tantra For Two and am eagerly anticipating its arrival. My boyfriend and I have been together for seven months and have not had sex in 3 and a half. He's 31, I’m 29. We had sex immediately and it was the best either of us have ever had. I thought I had finally met my match on all levels, then he started having problems with his desire. The more I complained, the worse it got. Then he began having immense difficulty with getting/keeping an erection. The last time we had sex was very good, but only after 20 minutes or so of giving him oral sex and letting him watch me masturbate so he could get an erection. He's now seeing a therapist and learning that he has some emotional damage that is interfering with all of this (I hope). in the meantime, I’m falling apart but doing my best not to. It's damn near impossible. We've kissed, KISSED mind you, nothing else, three times since the last time we had sex. So in an effort to not give up completely, I’ve purchased this book with the thought of activities and exercises to boost our intimacy without sex until he's ready. if you possibly have any other advice or words of encouragement so I don't chop my head off, it would be appreciated. | |
| Ans. | Your boyfriend has a serious sexual health challenge, mental, not sexually transmitted disease. Erectile dysfunction (ED) and premature ejaculation are very common problems among men around the world. Sometimes they are easily treated and other times they persist for a lifetime, causing much anguish for their partners who do not understand what is going on and who may fear it is their fault, that they are not sexy enough, not attractive enough, not sexually skilled enough, etc. None of these things are the problem. The problem is entirely with the man who has these symptoms, not with his partner.
Our book Soul Sex: Tantra For Two is an excellent resource for you to use if you choose to stick this out and help him work through it. Read the book together, talk about all the ideas, and systematically do all the exercises. By the time you are through the book in this detailed way, he should be, for the most part, over his ED. If not, you are likely facing a very long term recovery, or possibly no recovery.
http://www.tantra-sex.com/soulsex.html
He could check with a medical doctor for treatable conditions, but since you had great sex to begin with and since he can get erections with a lot of coaxing along and much stimulation by you, a medical condition is not likely the problem. His therapy might help if his therapist is a good one, but this process can take years and may or may not help at all. Mostly it is up to him to be willing to confront whatever demons exist within him and heal himself. The most important first step is wanting to heal and then being willing to do the emotionally uncomfortable inner work of facing those demons.
If he is not willing to work through our book with you in the way I describe, I suggest you might consider moving on to find a new partner. | |
| | | Q. | It has been almost one year. My boyfriend totally lost his sex drive with me (though he said he lost libido in general, not because of me). It is frustrating that we lay on the bed but without any physical connection. I tried whatever I could think of, being sweet, being engaged, being a slut. It hurt me when he would say "sorry this is so far I can go and if this is the best we can get in relationship, we can work it out.” We had several crisis in the past one year, though we both tried hard to overcome all the crises, in relationship, in jobs, in life. It seems to me that I am able to embrace a new life, but that he refuses to move forward. Sadly, we both think we are individuals that we would consider being with for the rest of lives, but the lack of sexuality kills me in daily life. What should I do? | |
| Ans. | There are many reasons why a man could be impotent. This is also called erectile dysfunction (ED).
First consider there might be medical conditions causing the problem, but that is beyond what I can explain in a brief message. If he us able to get erections sometimes, then likely the problem is not medical, but if he rarely if ever gets erections no matter what the stimulation, then the problem is likely to be medical and he should seek the help of a doctor for proper diagnosis and treatment.
More likely the problem is mental, psychological. Again there can be so many possibilities that I could not go into all of them. One option is to seek counseling or coaching. We offer telephone coaching if you want to go the coaching rout. But here are a couple of suggestions to consider first.
The first step and the most important thing is that he is willing to confront his own demons and do his inner work to become fit for relationship. Every relationship problem is to some extent the result of a dynamic situation between both partners, but if he is not willing to look inside to find his own solution, there would be little that you could do. It sounds like you have tried many options without effect, so it is likely he is dealing with some internal mental situation based upon something from his past, for example possibly including sexual abuse.
He will have to be willing to see what is inside himself, and let you in on it; in other words open his heart to reveal what is going on inside him. By revealing what is going on, what he is feeling, what he can see that might be going on within himself, this is what it means to have an open heart. He may not be willing or able to do that, and if not, frankly I suggest you look elsewhere for the true love that you desire. Without doing such inner work, it is unlikely that this situation will correct itself and you could spend months or years hoping things will change.
If he is willing to share with you what is inside himself, to become emotionally vulnerable and transparent, to open his heart to you, then you have something to work with that would make it worthwhile, or at least hopeful, that together you could find a resolution, allowing him to have a more normal male sexual response to your healthy female sexual needs and desires. | |
| | | Q. | have just recently given birth and I feel very insecure about my body our sex life has just vanished. We used to enjoy our lovemaking but now we just don’t really seem to be as in touch with sex as we used to be. Can you give me some advice about how to spice things up? I want to feel sexy and loved in the bedroom . | |
| Ans. | It's very common for sex lives to undergo dramatic changes for a while after a new baby arrives. There are a lot of factors affecting you, among them: lack of sleep, hormonal changes (affecting you physically and emotionally), and focusing loving attention on your baby.
If you want to keep passion alive in your relationship you need to schedule time for each other. Once a week arrange a "date" with your partner, and arrange for someone else to care for the baby for several hours. Try to come to this session as rested as possible. Think quality of sex, not quantity. One good lovemaking session a week will keep you looking forward to more and it will make you more inclined to participate in quickies when you have the chance.
Also arrange to have a little time for yourself, for pampering — bubble baths, meditation time, facials, and so on will help you relax and feel better about yourself. Wear sensuous clothes. Put lotion on your body with care and love. Remember that men are very turned on by how turned on their partner is, so instead of worrying about how you look, focus on how much you love him and want to be close to him.
Talk to each other about your feelings and your desires. Sexy, playful talk can keep things spicy, even if you don't have lots of time for action.
Keeping the sexual fires going can be a big challenge at first, but it's well worth the effort.
Our article: Freeing the Female Orgasm has some info that may help you and your partner http://www.tantra-sex.com/ummwinter00.html
Consider also our ebook Awakening Women's Orgasm
http://www.tantra-sex.com/womenorgasm.html
You might also want to check out this book:
Confessions of a Naughty Mommy: How I Found My Lost Libido by Heather Raykeil
http://www.amazon.com/Confessions-Naughty-Mommy-Found-Libido/dp/158005157X/4freedomsconsult | |
| | | Q. | My boyfriend and I are REALLY feeling sexually charged and don't want to have sex yet. Is it ok to French kiss and sleep together or is that way out of range for our age (13)? | |
| Ans. | What you do in your sexual exploration has to depend on your emotional maturity as well as your physical desire. You are wise to be cautious. Don't put yourself in any situation that can lead to going farther than you want. Before you do anything sexually, ask yourself if every part of you–your mind, your heart, your spirit, as well as your body–feels that this is the right thing to do.
My suggestion for relieving sexual tension is self-pleasuring, masturbation (on your own, not together). This private act is very normal and can help you learn about your sexual arousal as well as release that high sexual charge that can lead you too far before you are ready.
I wish you great joy in your life and in your awakening sexuality. Take your time. | |
| | | Q. | My girlfriend and I are currently just starting to become sexually involved. I am 19 and at college, and she is a senior in high school. Last time we got together I pleasured her, so now it’s going to be my turn. I’m really nervous, not about her seeing or touching my penis, but about ejaculating in front of her. I don’t know how she will handle the "mess" of it, and what to do. This is new for both of us which is why I am concerned. We are very close and care about each other a lot, and although she really wants to do this, I don’t want to if it’s going to change her thoughts about me. | |
| Ans. | There is probably no real problem, except in your own head. Women do not typically find sperm messy, disgusting, revolting or to be any kind of turn off, although that is a possibility, particularly for women who have been sexually abused.
On the contrary, she will likely be very curious about everything to do with sex, including your ejaculation. She may even want to taste it, e.g., if you were to cum in her mouth.
To relive your concerns about this aspect of your upcoming experience, talk to her about your concerns. Most women welcome such an emotional vulnerability that you show by letting her know how you are feeling about this situation. | |
| | | Q. | I am a married 30 year old woman. I have been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5 years and we have a 5 year old daughter. Our marriage has been on the rocks for about 2 years now. I am a housewife and I have been talking to this man online for over 8 months. He is also married and he has two amazing children. We both went online not hoping to fall in love with one another but just for someone to talk to; someone who can relate and understand one another. We have never met, but I know what he looks like and he thinks I am a nurse. I am not. He thinks the world of me and I think the world of him. We fell so head over heels for one another, and he told me yesterday that he told his wife that he wanted a divorce, and I told him I also wanted a divorce from my husband. I am not happy in my marriage. I am tired of the look I get from my husband; the look that wishes he was married to someone else. I hate that look I get from him. I feel like such a complete loser and failure when I am with my husband. This man make me feel so special and we have talked about getting married and a future together. He is studying to be a doctor and he assumes that I am this amazing woman which I am not. I have sent him pictures of women that he assumes are me which are not me. I don't know what I am going to do. He thinks I will be going there to see him in a few weeks and I am not. I don't want to lose this man. I love him sooooo much my heart aches for him. He talked to me without even knowing me, without even knowing what I looked like. He said in the beginning that he fell in love with my personality, but the more we talked as the days and months went by I can tell that he is so amazing, more than words can put into play, but in reality he knows nothing about the real me, only that I have a child, that I am married, and my name. And that I am head over heels in love with him. I don't know what to do. I love him I can't lose him. | |
| Ans. | You must take responsibility for your misinformation and correct any misunderstandings as quickly as possible. In a sense you will have to start over by sharing with him photos of what you really look like. Postpone the meeting for now and try to reconnect, perhaps using a camera with your chating. Most likely, if he is as wonderful as you believe him to be, this will not be a problem.
Many people conceal their identities when meeting with others on the Internet for honest and legitimate reasons of wanting to protect themselves against people who could be dangerous. Surely he will understand that. But you must be prepared for the possibility that when he sees what you look like, he may not be as enthusiastic as he was with the false image you originally presented.
Don’t rush into a personal meeting, but rather continue your Internet correspondence until this is all behind you and you still are sure you both are as excited as before you revealed the truth. If so, then set another meeting and go for it.
The other point would be for you to ask for a divorce now, rather than to continue to deceive your husband. I am sure you would want to be treated with that same courtesy if he were involved with someone else and you did not know it. | |
| | | Q. | I am a 39 years old successful businessman. Four years ago I met a girl and fell deeply in love. Two years ago she got married to another guy through family fixed marriage. Shortly after her marriage, she told me that she still loved me and would like to continue our relationship. She promised that she will get a divorce. We have our secret affairs, and fell more deeply to each other. Until today, 2 years later, she is still married, and still talking about that divorce. I love her very much. I don't like that feeling of sharing her with another guy. She told me that she does not like her husband. There are no feelings and no love. They don't even have sex. I am having sleepless nights just thinking that they are sleeping together every night. What should I do? Shall I wait or should we break? Please advice. | |
| Ans. | It is a sad fact that a married person having an affair, who promises to leave the marriage, rarely actually does leave the marriage. Two years is long enough to be conclusive evidence that you are in such a situation. Move on and start to create a relationship with someone who can return your love and make a real and meaningful commitment. | |
| | | Q. | My ex and I have decided to give each other another try. It’s been a long time since we broke up. He’s been married/divorced; I have never been married. I have a 16 year old handicapped daughter. It’s been 2 years since I broke up with her dad. We lived together 9 months and he hurt me real bad. Now he’s my daughter's father and the type who will just show up or call. He wants me back even though he has a girlfriend. I have got where I don’t open the door, don’t want to, so he may storm off or maybe hit the wall. How do I tell my friend I'm starting a relationship with how he acts? He hasn't been around in 3 weeks, but i feel he will just show up again and then what do I do? Let him in and then pray he doesn't flip when i say I have moved on? I have another ex. We broke up as friends and now he sometimes spends the night, but he will be all right when I mention someone else. In other words both my ex's can get on my nerves, one just worse than the other. I like Gino a lot and i do not want any drama. I don’t know how he may react because what my daughter's father did to me was real low and I have told Gina i was in a bad relationship and I feel I should not say anymore. | |
| Ans. | If your daughter’s father makes a disturbing scene when he comes around, you can get a police restraining order which prevents him from doing that. If he violates the restraining order he could go to jail. You have much drama in your life, whether you want it or not. If you want to put an end to the drama, stop being so dramatic. Start to clear things with all parties (the three men) involved, by letting them each know where they stand in the pecking order, and informing them of what is acceptable behavior and what is not. If you are not willing to do that you are being deceptive and manipulating them with your deceit. For example, you could clearly state to your daughter’s father, that he is welcome to come by and pick up his daughter for visitation (and take her with him – not visit her at your home), but otherwise he is not welcome to visit at all and that if he persists you will have to get a restraining order. Also inform him you are not interested in him any longer as a partner (friend, sex, etc.) and that you have another man (or men) in your life. Then tell the other men about each other so they can decide if they find that arrangement acceptable. If you are not willing to do that, then keep one of the other two men, and tell the other one to go. The drama is created by yourself when you do not honestly communicate with all parties involved about what you want so they can then decide freely what they want. For example, the other two men may be happy to share your attention and have you share your bed with both of them, or they may not. But if you tell them the way it is, then they can decide and either way, whether they stay or go, your drama will end. | |
| | | Q. | Me and my girlfriend are really serious for each other. We have been going around from the past 2 years and want to get married. We haven’t had sex yet and we both are virgins. We both want to have sex but sometimes we think we should wait until after we marry. Do you think we can have sex? Is it wrong? And could you please tell me how to arouse my girlfriend to the fullest? And if we plan to have sex how do we have sex can u please guide! | |
| Ans. | Your first experience of sexual intercourse is a major event in life. We will not discuss the obvious need to protect yourselves from the possibility of pregnancy; rather we assume you will do that and you can find out more about how in many different places on the Internet.
Consider that lovemaking to include sexual intercourse is at once, physical, psychological, emotional and spiritual. The danger is that you only pay attention to the physical aspect as if that were all there was to it. But, because you are asking this question I am confident you will not do that.
The physical aspect is irresistibly immediate and dominant in your attention with no effort on your part at all. Be gentle with each other. Allow for the fact that you will both almost certainly feel shy, awkward and embarrassed. Laugh about the experience, before during and after, but NEVER make fun of each other; your egos will not likely stand up to such seemingly disrespectful behavior. But don’t make it into something grave and heavy, in spite of the fact that it is profound, accompanied by intense feelings, and fraught with danger.
From your question I’m assuming you love each other. Be sure to bring that love into the experience from beginning to end. You can’t tell each other too many times how much you mean to each other. For the male, it is particularly important to remind him, that as soon as he ejaculates he will feel like rolling over and going to sleep, or immediately jumping up to do something else. Doing so would be a big mistake. Take at least as much time talking about how much you love each other and how you plan to spend the rest of your lives together after the sexual intercourse ends as you did building up to the event.
Focus on giving and receiving pleasure, not having any goal of getting to orgasm, or “making it happen” for each other. Try simply to be fully present with each other from moment to moment. The more the experience can be one of giving to each other, rather than taking something, or getting something, the better the experience will be. On the other hand, if you cannot receive each other’s loving attention, the one giving will be deprived of knowing someone accepts their love. Both must give and receive to make the experience fulfilling and complete.
Go very slowly; surely you will not be in a hurry to end this marvelous exploration of each other! No, go much slower than that, even slower still.
Know it takes the young lady much longer to come to full arousal, while the man may be very quick to finish with an ejaculation that happens in just an instant. But it is likely that he will recover his erection quickly and with a repeat performance is likely to last much longer than the first time.
Open to the possibility that you may awaken your higher consciousness and touch the realm of God and Godess. Don’t be frightened by this, it is your birthright to remember who you really are, much much more than physical bodies. This is the spiritual dimension of the experience.
Be kind, be gentle, be slow, be fully present, be real, be honest, be emotionally transparent, be vulnerable, be creative. | |
| | | Q. | About six years ago just before my husband died unexpectedly we adopted two children. After the death of my husband our son became an important man figure in their lives. He became a sheriff. Six months ago he was killed in the line of duty. Since then his best friend who is 20 whom I have known for a while has been very caring and helpful to myself and my adopted children. When something has needed to be done around that house he stepped in. He has also done things to make the lives of the adopted children and my life better. Since doing these things I have invited him to family gatherings. He has shown up for the sports games of the children. About two months ago he has said to me that I need to start taking some time for myself and my needs. He said that I always make the needs of others be met. He said it was my time. He said that he was able to help. Since then our relationship has further blossomed. He has asked if my wants have been met sexual lately. He and I both know they have not. He said that he would love to make love to me and satisfy me sexually. He makes me feel sexy that a younger man finds me desirable. I think he is cute and I know he is caring and loving. We have only been doing activities together as just the two of us for about two months. Do you think that is long enough to consider making love? He has said that he would like to take me to a bed and breakfast for a few nights to provide a break from the house and the adopted children. He says that it would be a romantic time for us. I like the idea of getting away. I would imagine that he is thinking that we will have sex there. Do you think that a bed and breakfast would be a good place for us to making love if we choose to? I am a little concerned about satisfying him sexually. I have not made love/had sex in a long time and am older than him. When I mentioned this to him he said that all he wanted to do was satisfy me sexually Do you have any advice to easing this concern? | |
| Ans. | Yes, 6 months is long enough for you to begin exploring new life and sexual partners, and a bed and breakfast would be wonderful and romantic place to begin such explorations.
The most important thing in a relationship is how important that relationship is compared with other things in your life. A wide spread of years in age difference could be a problem and certainly does have its own challenges, but certainly those challenges are surmountable assuming 2 people love each other and are willing to work at making the relationship grow and thrive. Have a conversation in which both of you talk about how important is your relationship compared with other important aspects of your lives, e.g., careers, children, avocations (strong interests such as hobbies), etc.
We have found that when 2 people agree that their relationship is the most important thing, they will go to any effort to make it work, so it does work. This does not mean that other things, e.g., children are not important, on the contrary, when you have a solid relationship everything in your life and everyone in your life will benefit from the love, energy, enthusiasm and stability you bring to those other aspects of your life.
We have never found evidence that when a couple makes the relationship the most important thing, that anything else suffers, but when the relationship is low on the order of priorities, other things, particularly the children do indeed suffer.
Making your relationship the most important thing means primarily 2 things. One, that you will work real hard to make it succeed. Two, that you refer all decision making back to how it will affect the relationship.
Differences in libido, desire for sexual activity, vary widely between men and women, but also between women themselves and between men themselves. Even 10 years ago it would perhaps have been more common for women to be more reserved and secretive about their sexual desire, but this has been changing rapidly in recent years and many women are now much more open about their interest in sexuality, and we believe this is a good thing.
There is of course the hormone difference between men and women, with men have much more testosterone and women having much more estrogen. This hormone difference does tend to make men more assertive, possibly even aggressive in their sexuality compared with women. | |
| | | Q. | My hubby went to a company outing and he'd been gone for four days. We agreed that I would wait for his call every now and then so we could talk. I don't want to send him text messages or be the one to call him on his cell because he just might not be there to answer it. He calls me 3 times a day, each lasts for 3 minutes (cause that's the promo he registered on). In each of the calls, he would ask me how I was and before we could talk, the 3-minute call is over. Now, what I wanted was to talk to him, really talk, you know, update me on what's happening to him, and vice versa. Of the four days he'd been gone, all he did was call to ask me how I was. That is so frustrating because there is a promo that lets you talk for 20 minutes for a very low cost. I already suggested that he register for that, but he didn't. I guess he is enjoying so much that calling and talking to me is such a nuisance. That is what I feel and it is reinforced when he came home, feeling achy all over. I asked him if he ever did feel pain while at the beach, and he said no. I feel so left out. When he's at a party or anywhere without me, he forgets me. But when I'm out, he expects me to contact him every now and then. | |
| Ans. | You are not expecting too much. Have you shared with him how bad it makes you feel that he behaves this way?
Let him know how much it hurts you when he treats you this way, and explain to him exactly what you want him to do to fix it, e.g., get the longer minutes plan.
The most important thing to share with him, if you are going to have any chance at getting him to change his behavior is that in this situation (or whatever the situation is), you are being emotionally hurt and/or you are afraid. Telling this to him, means that you are opening your heart by becoming very emotionally transparent and vulnerable, and if he really loves you, knowing this will also open his heart, motivating him to take corrective action so you will stop hurting and stop being afraid.
If all you tell him is that you are angry, it will just make him want to be away from you more. If you let him know that you are hurting and afraid and he does not respond to knowing that, it means that he does not love you. | |
| | | Q. | I’ve been in a 3 and a half year relationship and I cannot orgasm! It’s so damn frustrating cause my boyfriend feels like he’s not satisfying me enough or that he sucks in bed but that’s not true; he’s amazing. We have tried all types of positions and lubricants and toys. Nothing makes the magic happen. | |
| Ans. | You are trying too hard and have become goal oriented in your lovemaking, a common trap many lovers fall into. The goal orientation to lovemaking means you are trying to get to orgasm. Some couples make it that they try to get to orgasm at the same instant so they come together. This is understandable, but most unfortunate as there can be many complications for both men and women if they take this approach, e.g., many women find they cannot orgasm at all while many men begin to suffer from erectile dysfunction (inability to get and keep an erection), and premature ejaculation (quick ejaculations before they or their partner are ready for it).
The solution to this is to reframe your lovemaking so that it become all about pleasure in the immediate moment. The only thing you are doing is giving and receiving pleasure. Open fully to experience the extraordinary pleasure you can receive through your 5 senses of taste, touch, hear, see and smell. In this approach there is no goal, nowhere to get to, no desired outcome (for example, you are not trying to get to orgasm). You stop trying to get to orgasm and let orgasm take care of itself, which it will do. Orgasm will then become a natural organic response that any healthy body has once your arousal and pleasure threshold is reached.
Thinking is the enemy of ecstasy.
Stop thinking about sex, stop thinking about what outcome you want to make happen, stop thinking about orgasm, stop thinking about whether you are a good enough lover or not, stop thinking about whether there is something wrong with you.
Instead, start feeling the sensations of seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, smelling. Take in the sensory information (information you get through your senses, not through thinking), and most importantly, don’t give a name to what you experience. For example, “that is his tongue licking my clitoris.” Just feel his tongue licking your clitoris. Just take in the direct sensory information without naming it or thinking about it. This will take you out of your head thinking and into your body feeling sensations.
Take much longer in your lovemaking, with most of the added time in foreplay (before sexual intercourse) and afterplay (after sexual intercourse). Particularly for the female, what happens before and after intercourse is at least as important, and often more important than what happens during sexual intercourse. Have a long slowwwwwwww buildup, and a long slowwwwwwww wind down. Your lovemaking should be lasting hours, not just minutes, at least some of the time. If all you have is quick sex taking 5-30 minutes from start to finish, that alone could explain why you are not having orgasms. | |
| | | Q. | My girlfriend and I have a long-distance relationship, and have yet to meet in person. Neither of us have ever had sex before, and have very little experience in dating and the like. She likes to tell me her fantasies about us, and she wants me to tell her what I think about. But I can't bring myself to talk about things like that; I'm not that open, especially about sexual things. I'm a pretty private person, and it's really hard for me to open up about certain things. I'm pretty sure she's disappointed whenever I turn her down, and I feel like she thinks that I'm not as invested in our relationship as she is, but stil, I can't bring myself to say anything. What should I do? I've tried explaining to her that I'm too embarrassed, but she wants me to try it, since she has. She says it feels one-sided. | |
| Ans. | This is only a problem for you because it is a problem for her, but that makes it real enough that you would want to do something about it. This is a situation where you want to act to support a desired outcome, rather than stay in your emotional comfort zone. Relationships have a way of putting us repeatedly in such situations, that is why we refer to our relationship as our spiritual practice. None of this would be an issue if you were living alone in a cave, but since you want to be with her you are going to have to learn some new things, and change some old behaviors.
So the solution is this. When you want to create a new situation or outcome, you must move into your emotional discomfort zone. Instead of acting to get back to your comfort zone as quickly as possible (what most people do most of the time; hence the reason they stay stuck where they have always been), you act to support creating a new outcome that is desired by both of you. In this case you tell her what you think about and fantasize about, even if it feels very uncomfortable to do so. It will get easier with practice.
Another aspect of this is that for someone to reveal their innermost thoughts and fantasies does make them emotionally vulnerable and transparent. This is something many avoid doing at all costs, believing that by hiding inside themselves they are safe from hurt and harm. But of course all they get is isolation, alienation and loneliness. Opening your heart means becoming emotionally vulnerable and transparent. So taking this action of talking about what you are thinking, feeling and fantasizing about inside will make you emotionally vulnerable and transparent, but this only means you are opening your heart. You might be absolutely terrified of doing this, but that is only more reason to do it anyway. | |
| | | Q. | I’m embarrassed to ask anyone this. I have known my boyfriend for 6 months now and we had sex for the first time 3 weeks ago. It was my very first time because I was a virgin and it hurt soooo bad. We didn't go all the way because I couldn't take it. I expected that but we had sex again and it still hurt like hell and this time he went all the way. Last week we had sex again and I thought that since it’s been a week it won't hurt but it still did. I can't stand the pain and I hate that I can't make him happy. I'm 21 and I don’t want to be a virgin forever. He says he understands when i say it hurt but i think his patience is wearing out. So we decided on oral sex and I was so nervous I almost bit him. It was terrible and I feel worse when he says it’s okay. How long is it going to be until I start enjoying sex? I had sex 5 times now and it still hurts so bad I scream. I told him to just force me, like kinda just do it, but that didn’t help. My boyfriend says he likes me that’s why he waited for 4 months till I was ready and now that I am we can't enjoy sex. I am embarrassed and frustrated. Please advise me what to do because I'm about to break up with him. I know he is trying to be patient but he also has sexual needs after all. | |
| Ans. | There can be a number of reasons why you aren't enjoying sex. Here are some suggestions.
First, are you very excited and very aroused before you try intercourse? Is your vagina very wet and slippery and hot? Are you relaxed throughout your body? If you are not, if you are tense and if your vagina is dry, intercourse will not be pleasant. Be sure you feel good in everyway about having sex — emotionally, mentally, and physically. Definitely engage in lots of foreplay — lots of kissing and touching and caressing before you even think about penetration. Ideally you should really, really want him inside you before he tries. You can also use lubricant to help him slide inside more easily.
Here's an article for both you and your boyfriend to read about arousal for women (Freeing the Female Orgasm)
http://www.tantra-sex.com/ummwinter00.html
Also our ebook, Awakening Women's Orgasm, has a lot of great information
http://www.tantra-sex.com/womenorgasm.html
Second, is your boyfriend's penis quite large compared to the size of your vagina? If he's really big and you are really small this can cause difficulty. He has to be very gentle and take his time and go only in a little bit by bit.
Third, you might have a condition called vaginismus, which makes penetration very painful. "Vaginismus is vaginal tightness causing discomfort, burning, pain, penetration problems, or complete inability to have intercourse." Vaginismus can have both physiological and psychological causes. Refer to these sites for more information:
wikipedia.org
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaginismus
www.vaginismus.com
http://www.vaginismus.com/
If you persevere, you'll find the answers to your dilemma. Don't give up. Sex can be a most glorious part of life. | |
| | | Q. | My wife and I have been married for 10 years. Sex has never been very good between us. It was better in the beginning now it's non-existent. Maybe 1 time a month and then it's as quick as possible. My wife is very sexy and I want to have sex every day but I know she doesn't like it so I don't even try. She doesn't like any kind of foreplay just do it quick and be done, which makes me not want to do it. I don't know what to do. I have asked her if we can go to a therapist but she doesn't want to do that either. | |
| Ans. | I would suspect that your wife has a history of sexual abuse and/or other experiences of sexual trauma from her past that is interfering with any normal healthy adult sexual expression. Therapy (which we do not do), or counseling (which we do offer, and it is very therapeutic) is almost certainly required if she is to heal any existing sexual wounds, and also our workshop(s) to help her learn the art of mature, healthy adult sexuality would be most helpful. For workshops I would recommend a private session. We could not give you the personal attention and help needed with a regular workshop including other couples.
Coaching/Counseling
http:// http//www.tantra-sex.com/coach.html
Workshops
http://www.tantra-sex.com/tantra.html
If your wife is not interested in any of these options, consider a membership at Sexy Spiritual Relationships, where you can begin to learn ways to help her heal and to learn to enjoy a more spiritual sacred sexuality. | |
| | | Q. | I went online with no intention of ever actually finding someone to date. But I did meet this guy and we started emailing and texting and now we talk on the phone every night. At first, for fear he wasn't who he said he was, I gave him a fake first, middle, and last name. Now we have fallen for each other and want to meet. Besides the fact of lying about my name everything else was the truth. In fact besides my name he knows more about the real me then my closest friends. Any advice on how to tell him that I lied about my name? I have a fear that he will think everything else is a lie but it's not. How can I tell him that I lied about my name because of security purposes and still make him want to be with me? | |
| Ans. | It is completely understandable and normal, and at the same time unfortunate that this seems necessary, to not divulge information to people you meet online, or to divulge incorrect information, including a false name, until you have had a chance to prove the authenticity and trustworthiness of the one you are communicating with. This offers some protection against weirdoes, perverts and predators, of which there is an abundance on the Internet disguising themselves as ordinary, nice people. So this is a no-brainer; just tell him about your deception and why you felt compelled to act this way. If he takes offense to that then he is not worth any further attention. In that case look elsewhere for companionship. However, if you intend to meet with this person be sure to do so in a public place where your safety is insured. Also, know that many people find mates, including people they go on to marry through an Internet introduction, so definitely this is a legitimate way to meet people. | |
| | | Q. | I have a very good friend and we see each other a lot. I do many favors for her as she is alone and needs help with things at her house. I'm interested in asking about her sexual needs and if we could be NSA (no strings attached) partners. | |
| Ans. | You could take one of two approaches: the straightforward or roundabout.
With the straightforward, you explain your interest, you add in all the information about what you want and what you picture happening. You talk about your feelings and ask for hers, you make sure to add that if she's not interested it won't make any difference to your current relationship. Add as much detail as you can that will make the situation as clear as possible.
With the roundabout, you bring up the subject of sexual needs, for instance something you've seen in an article or book or movie, you can even watch the movie together or share the book with her. Talk about what that situation means for you. Ask how she feels about various types of sexual relationships. You should get a fairly clear picture of where she's at. Then, if you feel she may be interested you go to the straightforward. | |
| | | Q. | Every time I am in a relationship with someone I find a reason to get out of it. I either find a flaw in my mate, I start to feel suffocated, or I just get plain bored of the situation. Is something wrong with me, or will I grow out of this 'non-relationship type' stage? | |
| Ans. | You sound like most people who look to an external someone or something to bring them happiness — when that doesn't happen, you look elsewhere. So, first, start looking inside to create happiness, excitement, romance, etc. then your relationships will be much more fulfilling. Second, when you are looking to create a relationship, focus on the qualities of the relationship you'd like to create, rather than the characteristics of a partner you'd like to attract. For instance, rather than "I'd like a partner who is a great lover, funny, rich, and affectionate", concentrate on "I'd like a relationship that is sexually fulfilling, full of humour, prosperous, and full of love." This way you co-create your relationship with another. It's not all up to your partner, nor is it all up to you. The two of you together make something worthwhile — much more satisfying, more real, and more likely to last. | |
| | | Q. | What do his touches mean? Is it love or lust? Well I'm a very naive girl and I never had a boyfriend. I met my cousin (3years younger than me but looks like a MAN) on this summer vacation. It's been 7 years since we met again. Now I’m 23 and he's 20. we drank a lot together and I talked a lot about myself and family, and he did too. I was crying and laughing and he saw so many stupid and weak sides of me. So I'm now very shy in front of him. I don't even remember all of what I told him. These days he often cuddles me and rubs my shoulders and arms, which feels good. He also fixes my hair. Last night we were sleeping together in the same room and he came over to me and hugged me from back while I was lying on my side, then he gently rubbed my pelvis (bone and thigh) and put his nose very close to my neck and breathed deep. I didn't know what to do, so I just let him be. HonestIy I didn't hate it. We knew we were both not sleeping and he also was touching my hand while we were in the car when I was falling asleep. He's often staring at me and always smiling at me and he looks really happy to watch me. But I want to know exactly what it means when a guy touches shoulder and arm, cuz I think it's ok between cousins, touching hands, hair, waist, hips, isn't it? But because he's my younger cousin and I don't know if it’s too much or not. Maybe he did this as a, oh my cute cousin, she's so sweet and innocent. I love her! We are family! And now I'm overacting. Was it too much touching for family? Is it a bit too sexual, this touching? Did he cross the line? Well I never had a relationship so I’m not sure. But when we were drunk he kept telling me, you are the cutest girl I've ever met, you are super sexy. Sexy? It's a bit of an awkward compliment from a younger cousin. I'm very confused, most of all because I like his touches, just not as a cousin. If he was just a man… | |
| Ans. | Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between affection and sexual interest, especially if you don't have any experience.
If you aren't sure what's going on — the best thing you can do is ask. Obviously you've already revealed a great deal to your cousin. You don't have to be drunk to talk to him about your feelings and your uncertainty. You are past that now. So, take a deep breath and talk to him about what is going on.
Good luck — you can do it. | |
| | | Q. | I've been with my boyfriend for 20 months and it's been good and bad. He's been in jail the whole time, which has made it even harder for us to stay together. We've been on good terms lately and we haven't fought in a while. But I haven't heard from him in almost three weeks now and I don't know why. I have no reason to think that he's mad at me or no longer wants to talk to me. Him not writing me in three weeks is rare when we're on good terms. We're suppose to get married and be together forever but now I'm having doubts. What should I do? Keep writing him and hope that he replies or calls me? Or should I leave the relationship? | |
| Ans. | Only your heart can advise your actions in such a situation. Do you really love him? Do you stay in the relationship out of fear of being on your own, starting over, not wanting to hurt him, worrying about retaliation, etc.? If you love him, by all means keep making contact. If it is fear, move on and create a new relationship. | |
| | | Q. | When it comes to relationships, I seem to always want what I cannot have, but once I get what I want, I suddenly do not want it anymore. I am always like this with guys; I will get close to someone I really like and after a couple of weeks I will make up some excuse to push them away or break up with them. I seem to fall in "love" so fast, and when I do I fall hard. Once I am interested in someone they will become like an obsession of mine; I will think about them all of the time and even stalk their Facebook, ha. But one day I will just wake up and that someone is no longer important to me; I will have moved on involuntarily. I feel like everything is just out of my control! Any advice? Thank you | |
| Ans. | Like many, many people, you are looking outside yourself for happiness. Although our culture likes to promote the idea that we will become complete when we find our "soulmate", our other half, this is a damaging and erroneous assumption. True, as male and female human beings we are separate halves of an energetic whole. But, on a spiritual level you are already complete. Obviously, a part of you realizes this already — you withdraw from relationships quickly.
If you want to create a wondrous relationship, follow these simple, although not necessarily easy, steps:
1. Understand that your happiness can only come from within — nothing and no one outside you can bring you happiness.
2. Think about the kind of relationship you want to create. Very important: focus on the qualities of the relationship you want, not the characteristics of the partner you'd like to have. For instance: "I want a relationship that is fun, loving, and sexually satisfying." Not: "I want a guy with a great sense of humor, who adores me, and is a great lover." When you focus on qualities of the relationship it's very empowering — then it becomes something you both do together. It's not up to one or the other of you to do it for each other, because that's impossible and always leads to disappointment.
3. When you meet someone you want to be involved with, accept him exactly as he is. This doesn't mean he won't want to grow and become the best person he can, with your help, if that's what you agree on. But do not think you can change him or even try to. The only person you can change is yourself.
With desire, determination, and self-awareness you can create the relationship you want — one that thrills, stimulates and satisfies you and can last for a lifetime.
One other point; I suggest you look at how you feel about yourself, your self-image. If you hold yourself in low esteem, then it is an easy step to conclude, it this person accepts me, likes me, loves me, etc., there must be something wrong with them, because I know I am not a good person. This could explain why you stop being interested in someone once you "catch" them. If this is part of the problem then work diligently to change your self-image. There are many excellent books on the subject. | |
| | | Q. | I am a 29 years old unmarried man. I’m going through an uncommon problem. I never involve with the sex to any opposite till now. I used to masturbate 9-10 times in the weak by watching sex movies or reading the book related to sex. Few days before I read in a book that thinking during the sex effects on you erection & causes impotency. From that day I feel problem in the erection during masturbation even I thinks during that time about my failures, where I was beaten by guys. I think & having erection problem now I’m thinking I masturbated a lot and I might fail during the sex. I’m beaten by a guy and it is not the sign of a true man. By this types of thought I’m thinking I will becoming impotent & life is going to be hell. Tell me how I get rid of this kind of problem & happiness come in life. | |
| Ans. | The way you think about sex, ejaculation, erections, and yourself all affect your body's sexual response including particularly your erection.
You must catch yourself when you are thinking negatively or badly about yourself. Notice your self-talk. As soon as you find you are giving yourself negative messages inside your head, you must replace them with images and thoughts about the way you do want to be, not the way you fear you are.
Cut back on masturbation as much as possible or completely if you can. There is nothing wrong with masturbation, but if you are having erection problems, frequent ejaculation can cause this, so by avoiding ejaculations during masturbation you will have much greater sexual vigor and vitality when you make love with a woman. | |
| | | Q. | Yes my ex and I are back together after 3 months. Okay I want this to work this time. There were some issues with my ex, my daughters father, the first time my ex told me he was confused. Well I need and want to have a talk with him. But he works now Monday through Thursdays and I am the mother of a special needs daughter. What bothers me is I know I am shy and why does it seem like I am scared to talk to him. He doesn’t make me uncomfortable, never has. I feel in shock he asked for us to go together again Sunday night but I hate that I won’t say what is on my mind, can't. I want to spend more time then we did the first time when he was in school and his mom moved in the early part of this year. She had shoulder surgery. I just want to find a way to talk to him because one thing I want him to know is I need him through the rough times as well as good times. He doesn’t come off as shy but I feel he may be and I find myself wishing he would kiss me by or hug me more. He kisses me sometimes like the first time and hugs me. I think I got used to my daughter's father. He's bold and if he wants to kiss you or hug you he will. And I know Geno is more my type. Believe me, bad boys are not my type. Again I don’t want us to break up again because I did not take it good the first time. | |
| Ans. | It is a very common pitfall that catches and defeats people from creating the results they desire. The pitfall is this. When you feel emotionally uncomfortable, like you are describing in your question, you act immediately to return to your emotional comfort zone. But unfortunately this just means you will stay stuck in exactly the same place you currently are in. In order to create different outcomes that you really want, you will have to do things, new things, and these will almost certainly make you feel afraid, insecure, and threatened. But what is called for is not to run away, but rather to boldly take action to support creating what you choose and want and desire, not just to feel better right this moment. As you take action, in spite of your emotional discomfort, you will start to move closer to actually creating the outcomes you desire, and your emotional discomfort will drop off dramatically, while your confidence, security and happiness will increase dramatically. | |
| | | Q. | I'm a 39 yr. old male and have never been in a serious relationship. This is mainly due to a very low self-image. That has changed. Now I've met this 29 yr. old woman and have very strong feelings about her. She also happens to be my sister’s best friend. Due to the nature of my family, I know my sister would encourage me. The problem is, I don't know if the girl has feelings for me. She has been in very abusive relationships and marriage and also has a 6 yr. old daughter. I simply love the kid to bits. The woman is very outgoing and also has her own small business. I constantly think about her. We have had moments together, but that was always where somebody else (and wine) was present. We are also continuously cracking jokes at each other. Now, I don't know if it's because I'm her best friends' brother, or because she may actually like me. I hate this not-knowing feeling. It's gotten to a stage where it's actually influencing my lifestyle (for the good, though). I recently lost 100 pounds and I'm also becoming a lot more outgoing. I guess, my question is, how can I be sure she has the same or similar feelings? It's quite difficult for me as I'm also very shy. | |
| Ans. | From what you describe I would say that she certainly has some good feelings towards you. That you doubt that is just the remnants of low self-esteem. I suggest you simply ask her outright about her feelings for you, particularly if she wants to further explore a romantic and sexually active relationship. This is an example of a situation in which you must act to support what you want to create, i.e., a deeper more intimate relationship with this woman, rather than to be emotionally comfortable. The problem is, that as soon as someone becomes emotionally uncomfortable, e.g., in this instance your shyness or feelings of low self-esteem, your tendency is to act immediately to return to your emotional comfort zone. But doing so just keeps you stuck where you are, which is not where you really want to be. So to create a new situation, almost certainly you will have to act in spite of your emotional discomfort. This is the only possible way to create something new. | |
| | | Q. | I just reunited with a friend that I grew up with. It has always been a platonic relationship where he was always sexually attracted to me. He is younger than I in which I never considered giving him a chance. Now that we are older (33 and 43) I have started an intimate relationship with him. I do not know if I hurt his ego when saying his penis was not really big but since then he has been on a penis withdrawal. He wishes for me to give him oral fellatio something that I do not do much but don't mind doing so with him. Also he does not give oral sex to women which bothers me. Should I feel some kind of way or just let it go and hopefully it will work itself out? I feel used and stupid at times and think something is wrong with me because he does not want sex or it is he is making me want him enough that it will be good? He gives wonderful compliments like I am beautiful, sexy and he especially likes my bow-legged pigeon-toed walk. What should I do? | |
| Ans. | 1. Ask for what you want. There is no need to compromise on what you need and want sexually. Depending upon how important those needs are (for example receiving oral sex from him), if he can't or won't help you be fulfilled sexually in the ways you desire, then move on to find a new partner.
2. I would assume you have wounded him with any offhand comments about his penis size. Men are typically super sensitive to any such remarks, and some men find it impossible to forget or forgive. Go to any lengths to help him feel good about his penis (letting him know how much you love, admire and adore it—for example by giving him good head), to overcome any feelings of inadequacy, and performance anxiety (almost certainly this is why he might be hesitant to have sexual intercourse with you). But you must be very tactful and considerate of any sensitivity he already has and just bringing it up again could actually make things worse. So be very respectful and creative in how you do try to repair any damage to his masculine self esteem he may already have perceived.
3. By all means please him orally if you can bring yourself to enjoy it. Learning to enjoy giving him oral sex is probably the single most important thing you can do to salvage and repair the current situation.
4. Ignoring this and hoping it will just go away is the worst thing you could do; definitely not recommended as a viable strategy for you to follow. | |
| | | Q. | My husband was working in A cruise ship and I’m having this feeling that he's with somebody there because when were having sex I can’t feel that he has that same love still for me. I don’t know how to figure things out. It’s the same way we done our thing but I’m feeling there's always something missing and I don’t know if I’m just paranoid or insecure. | |
| Ans. | The only way to know what's happening in your relationship with your husband is to talk about it with him. Ask him if he's happy with you. Tell him you're feeling some distance and want to bring your connection back. Be open and honest about your feelings, that you are insecure. Don't accuse him of sleeping around, avoid blaming and guilt, simply express your true heart.
Also, are you doing anything to bring more closeness? Are you making any sexual or romantic overtures to him? Do you let him know you respect and admire him? | |
| | | Q. | It will be almost two years since I met this gentleman. He is two years younger than me. He is 60. We first started out talking on the phone, hours at a time, met and had at home dinners, and then started an intimate relationship which was good. We were open with what we wanted with making love, open to new ideas, read your sites and others for articles. Here is the problem. I was seeing him while he was still separated from his wife. She passed away 9 months ago, and since he has given me a cold shoulder. Not answering my phone messages, etc., even though prior to her death I was supportive to him and was there for him with all the problems surrounding family issues about her illness and where to place her while ill, etc. He made me feel like he just dropped me off the face of the earth. Probably had guilt feelings about seeing me while still married, etc., but I wasn't the first woman he was seeing. He was separated from her for years. Just the last woman he was seeing before and after her passing so I took the brunt of the guilt. I suppose. Now, lately we started e-mailing each other. Small stuff and he started sending me stuff from your site again as well as other sites. He asks if I have learned anything,( wondering if I read any of it), not implying I am not good in bed because we did satisfy each other and we always talked about learning more so I took that remark as meaning did I learn more. Do you think this is his way of trying to get back with me? Why send me this stuff if that were not the case? Or am I drawing at straws. He seems like he may have low self esteem and a little shy as well. | |
| Ans. | Well, if he's emailing you again and sending you information about lovemaking and relationships, it sounds to me like he is interested in continuing some kind of connection with you.
The only way you'll know for sure is if you ask him. Let him know how you are feeling, that you're uncertain about what's going on now and how he feels about you. Let him know you are hurt. But, very importantly do this without blame or guilt. Use only "I" statements when you are talking about your response to what you perceive as his abandonment. For instance, NOT THIS WAY: When you didn't return my calls, you hurt me, you made me feel like you completely dumped me THIS WAY: When you didn't return my calls, I was hurt and felt abandoned.
Ask him if he will talk to you about what happened and why. Encourage him to open up to you, without demanding he do so and without going on and on about it.
It may be difficult to start this kind of dialogue, but if you do want an ongoing relationship you'll need to get clearly past this so you can build from there. Open your heart honestly to him and encourage him to reciprocate.
Our Heart Talk ebook shows you how to have this kind of conversation in an effective, supportive and healing way.
http://www.tantra-sex.com/HeartTalk.html | |
| | | Q. | I’m 24 years with 3 kids. My sex life with my husband its not to good. He's a kind of man who wants to have sex every night, but by the end of the day I’m so tired and with a big headache and don’t feel like having sex. The only thing I want to do at night is get to bed, get some sleep and get ready for the next day. I want to be the same and have sex with him every night. I want some answers or any tips to my question. | |
| Ans. | Your situation is a common one, many women share this dilemma. When you're tired and stressed, it's hard to wake up your sex drive.
You need to find ways to get more rest. Can you husband help out more with the kids and the housework? Do you have anyone else who can help you with these tasks? Is it possible to have a rest time during the day? Can you get the children to bed early enough so that you will have time with your husband before it is too late at night?
Is it possible to have someone care for the kids one evening a week so that you and your husband can have some hours to be intimate, rather than just trying to have quick sex at the end of a long day?
Are you making sure to eat a healthy diet? Do you exercise at all? Both will help you have more energy. You might also consider vitamins and supplements to boost your energy level. | |
| | | Q. | I’m a 43 year old male and I find I am looking and wanting to be with another man. I don’t seem to be interested in women any more. Could you give me advice on safe sex with another man and any information you can. Does this mean I’m gay for wanting to be with men? | |
| Ans. | Yes, you are gay.
The risk of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases is high, so be very careful, but the same must be said for heterosexual sex of course.
Always wear a condom for anal penetration with your penis, and a latex or vinyl glove if using your fingers. Have your partner wear a condom if you are performing oral sex. If you do get sperm in your mouth, don't swallow it. Wash thoroughly after anal play. | |
| | | Q. | ould you please tell me if it is normal at my age [43] to turn gay and why does it happen? | |
| Ans. | There is nothing wrong or abnormal about being gay. It is completely natural to find you are interested in sex with other males. If you explore this option you may find you like it and want more of that, or you may find you don’t like and don't want more of it.
Unfortunately our society and culture tends to penalize and attack homosexuality, and mostly this is out of fear. So you can get some pretty nasty feedback and treatment from people if they know about your sexual preferences. You will have to experiment and discover how much of yourself to reveal to the world, but at the very least be cautious who you share this information with.
Why this would be emerging at this time in your life is pretty much a mystery. One possible factor could be the hormonal changes that are happening as you age. Particularly, the testosterone/estrogen balance. As men age testosterone decreases and estrogen increases. This new balance can drastically effect all aspects of your sexuality including, erection, ejaculation, libido, and sexual gender preferences.
If you are unhappy with the changes you are experiencing, consider consulting a physician. He or she can do a complete blood analysis to determine the hormone levels and prescribe medications to correct any imbalances. | |
| | | Q. | I really could you your advice. I'm stuck, and not feeling worthy right now, especially when he has helped me open up my goddess in me. I want to help him. I've tried to discuss this once only that I do understand because of loneliness I'm just worried. I'm very frustrated, also sad, but I am very much in love with my boyfriend. I'm 49 years old and my partner is 50… He has not been in very many long term relationships, longest one has been 8 months; for myself I was married for many years then divorced because of a unhealthy relationship. My second relationship lasted almost 10 years then my boyfriend died in 2006. I met my new man in April of this year. we have great chemistry, laughing, spirituality, cry together, loving, enjoy Tantra which he introduced me to. We love the intimacy it brings us. I could go on, but I need to ask this question. He told me he used to masturbate allot, and give himself many orgasms. That's cool, I have too. But I think he is addicted to masturbating. I asked him if he still does and he was open and honest about it. He says not anymore, I truly want to believe him but research from what little I found was that a man gets a high from doing it himself, he has let himself go into me once after 6 months the other times we go a very long time making love because of the Tantra we can both stop the ejaculation process (I Know that's great) but he can't ejaculate in me or even when he is still hard or has to pull out because he loses his hardness it becomes limp. Of course I don't feel like I'm sexually attracted to him but I know I am by the way he touches and loves me. He uses the excuse of being tired or that maybe he's not used to me. I say bull crap! Not to him though. The research also says, a man can get moody or not interested in having sex with their partner they are used to giving them pleasure only. I do everything that turns him on. We are both very open. He has taught me to love my body and not to be ashamed because of being used as a sex object all my life. He wants to be the best lover to me and he is. He tells me that no woman has made him so sexually attracted. We can talk about anything, except for his hand stimulating himself. I asked him once for honesty and told him that it was okay because he was alone so many years. Hey I said I understand I have my toy also. Please help me to find out if this is truly a problem or not, They also say that a man will have trouble focusing if they masturbate too much he has all the symptoms but I have no answers to go with. I'm sorry this is so long but I love my relationship and my man of course, but need help. | |
| Ans. | Sometimes women mistakenly believe that for a man to really have a good time with lovemaking he needs and wants to ejaculate. But this is not at all the case. In fact what most men really want is to stay at a high peak of sexual arousal and excitement, to ride that wave for a long time. For men who have learned to master their ejaculation response, an ejaculation often just feels like a letdown – it’s draining physically and energetically. Ejaculations are an intense pleasure, but only for a few seconds, and after you’ve had a few thousand of them over a lifetime, they are all pretty much the same. On the other hand, when a man learns Tantric practice and can work with this sexual energy, he can have orgasms without ejaculating, which is much more satisfying and not at all depleting.
So, I’m not really clear about what your problem is. It sounds more like your issue regarding masturbation. From your explanation it doesn’t seem to be adversely affecting your lovemaking or your relationship. Perhaps you could just lighten up about this. It would seem that you have a very skilled and attentive lover. Why fix it if it ain’t broken?
If I’ve misinterpreted your situation, please explain it again. | |
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